EXCLUSIVE REPORT: Top Lubavitch Shadchanim weigh in with their solutions!
SHMAIS.COM REPORTER - CROWN HEIGHTS - PINNED ARTICLE
Solutions?
Everybody has solutions, and in many cases the same solutions are being suggested by several shadchanim. But many were sensitive about having certain information quoted in their names. In fact, two shadchanim refused even to be interviewed. As a result, we will quote very few shadchanim by name. CLICK HERE to see which Shadchanim were interviewed.
Solution #1: We need more shadchanim.
Solution #2: Understand and know how to work with your shadchan.
“Most important to remember: we’re all one big team: parents, singles, shadchan and Hashem. When each of us appreciates and treats all the other people properly, the system works smoothly. The opposite is true as well.”
“Parents have to be on top of shadchanim. Some are not consistent enough. Call, and call again if you don’t get through.”
“I have parents who call me almost every day. I’m happy to work that way, and sometimes it’s those families that I’m successful in making shidduchim for. Not every shadchan will agree with me, of course.”
“Be honest with your shadchan, and don’t play games. One boy’s family was checking into a girl while the boy was dating someone else. They kept me, and the family of the second girl, waiting till he stopped dating the first girl. Of course, I got the blame for the long wait.”
“Maybe shadchanim should divide up and specialize in different ages or groups of singles.”
“I’ve received hate mail from angry parents.”
“I’ve had to tell two mothers never to call me again because they were so nasty.”
“A mother is upset that I haven’t given her any boys’ names lately for her daughter. What she doesn’t know is that I presented her daughter to 12 different boys’ families and they all said no! Please be dan l’chaf zechus on the shadchan. Often, we are working harder for you than you think.”
“If your shadchan doesn’t care about you, get a new one.”
“Sometimes I think we should get paid for the rollercoaster shidduchim that don’t work after 10 dates, rather than for the smooth shidduchim that end in an engagement.”
“People need to understand that I didn’t call them back right away because I had 5 couples dating that week in three different time zones the world over. It was nothing personal – I only have 24 hours in my day.”
“I’m a human being, and I do have feelings. I sat for hours and came up with a good name for a girl, but she said no. Then her friend suggested the same name and she said yes, and they pursued it through a different shadchan. I cried when they got engaged and didn’t even tell me. The right thing to do would be to return to the original shadchan to pursue the shidduch. At the very least, tell the shadchan and show your appreciation.”
“As for shadchanus gelt, or money for an interview, you are paying not only for your shidduch, but for everyone else’s as well. You’re paying for the system.”
“Sometimes I as a shadchan don’t get something done at the right time or make a big mistake. Sometimes I know why – for example, I couldn’t find the computer file, or had a family crisis, or got the wrong address for the girl being picked up – and sometimes I can’t explain why. I feel terrible, and I usually admit my mistake. I must say, though, there are times when (after the fact) I feel there was a Higher Power involved in my mistake. We’re quick to realize the Hashgacha Pratis regarding the part of parents and singles in the shidduch parsha. We need to accept the fact that shadchanim, too, are guided by Hashgacha Pratis.” TO BE CONTINUED...
Last updated:
Monday, Feb 20 2012 11:10pm
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Comments (5)
Some of these comments by shadchanim sound defensive. I understand it's a thankless job if the suggestion doesn't work out and parents should always be polite and respectful...but so should shadchanim. Call the parents back, even if you don't have anyone suitable yet.
One thing I think is disgusting is the shadchans' judgmental attitude. Who are they to decide who is a "good"/boy or girl? What criteria do they use to judge? If the boy works and can support a family he's not a good catch because he's not hanging out waiting for the "best" Shidduch and planning to go on Shlichus where he will hardly make a living??? It doesn't matter that working guys (and girls!!) support our Shluchim and mosdos?
Working doesn't mean frei/bummy. I know plenty of young men who work hard and who are completely shomer Torah and Mitzvos. So their job means they need to wear casual clothes? They are bad catches because they aren't wasting time in 770 even though they wear tzitzis, daven and don't trim? A Shanda!
Thanks for the opportunity to comment.
Very insightful article.
What I understand from this is that all of us have to stop the blaming and start working harder together.
This is most reasonable, perhaps not the easiest, solution I've heard in a while.
Shadchanim are making poor excuses Many of them in truth discriminate or will not help a pparticular person for foolish reasons many of them are not putting in a real effort.I myself am older & have been ignored for no real reason & how many others don't fit the ideals in the shadchan's heads.How many will not consider(including the parents) someone who is not of the same social class i e not shpitz chabad not of money etc. I had one shadchan tell me he refused to help me because of who my landlord is or was! is it any wonder? we make excuses we trash groups of Bachurim etc. based on a certain belief or words etc.
My wife has made and always is making and setting up couples.
It takes a lot of time and all night calls without getting paid ( except the other shadchonim who charge up front WHICH IS WRONG ) boys are picky and girls are picky and the problem is let the kids go out and figure it out for themselves dont spend 2 months looking into someone. Look and do reasearch and let them go the review should be done in a week and then if things seem ok let them go
also some go out once and dump... that is wrong a lot of times boys are nervous and visa versa and the first date is hardly an indication of anything unless its a total disaster
A CH Shadchan suggested a Shidduch for me. Based on the answers I received, I said that I was not interested. Some time later, a friend - whose wife ACTUALLY KNEW THE PERSON - suggested the same Shidduch, and gave me different answers to the same questions. BH, we ended up getting married.
IIRC, we did go back to the original Shadchan at some point, feeling it was the right thing to do.