LOL: When your biggest BB calls. Who wins? G-d or Verizon?
By A. Shliach - With exclusive permission to publish on SHMAIS.com
21 Shvat
Parshas Ki Sikneh Eved
For all us folks who live in countries where we drive on the normal side of the road and normal side of the car:
Did you ever drive in one of those very few countries where you're on the right side of the car and left side of the road? First of all, every time you go to the car you click the remote to unlock it, then you open the door, sit down and find yourself without a steering wheel in front of you. You look around to make sure no one saw. If anyone is around, you make believe you're rummaging through the glove compartment, and then nonchalantly get out of the car and proceed to the oddball steering-wheel-side of the car.
As you're driving you absolutely cannot be distracted by anything. Phone, radio, passenger chatter, food - nothing. You must remain nuclear-bomb-transporter focused on the road. It's mandatory that every cell and neuron in your brain remains completely glued to the road. Particularly when you have to turn. (Vayifen koi v'choi every 14 seconds.) Or parallel park.
That's how women drive every day.
Tomorrow and Thursday אי''ה about 800 cars will be rented and added to Crown Heights traffic. For safety concerns I'm staying put @ my Mokom HaShlichus.
As we gear up for the longest weekend of the year, it's crucial that we read up as much information as possible to prepare for the grueling, cruel, upcoming storm.
Did you ever notice the difference in travel habits between shluchim and shluchos. Men can travel thousands of miles for a month, and have only their talis/tfillin and a carry on bag. [How much luggage do you think chasidim took along when going to the Rebbe by horse and buggy? You think there was a luggage compartment under the wagon? Imagine if women went. Avis rent-a-horse would have been sold-out immediately. (Did they have the wagon-rental discounts hanging on the shtiebel bulletin board?) How about when men were oleh regel; does it mention anything about baggage claims in rishonim?]
Plane people know this. That's why they've begun charging for luggage. It's called the 'incase fee.' Take this just in case that happens. So for a two day journey they end up taking a container of you-just-never-know attire.
You know what the difference between a zoo in the North and South is? In the North they have a little stand with information on each particular animal. It's habitat, eating habits, prey or predator etc. In the South they have the same thing. But on bottom they include recipes.
That's what our kitchens will look like this Friday.
Before we got married, especially when away from home, we ate all kinds of food at any given hour. We would walk into a deli at 1am and order a burger. The guy would ask, "what would you like on it?" "Everything!" You responded. "Ketchup, mustard, pickles, tartar sauce, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, relish, mushrooms, sawdust, dressing, jalapenos; and a large basket of fries. And I'll have a shwarma to go. Are these falafel balls free?" And you'd stuff every pocket with mints and toothpicks on your way out.
Those days food was considered a good meal when you had to dislocate your jaw to take a bite. No mother, wife etc monitoring our eating habits. (Who do you think taught who to eat something 4 times its size? Udum the nuchush, or vice versa?)
[Be honest: when you take a bite of something really big, and at that moment your phone rings and it's a big bb, or someone you've been trying to reach for a while, what do you do?
....... You shove everything into one cheek and answer the phone trying to sound as natural as possible "Hewo? Oh Stebe thankth for cawim me bat, howth your mom feewig? Whap? No I'm (gulp)fide"....
Like when you're in middle of shmonei esrei and your biggest bb calls. Who wins? G-d or Verizon?]
Once we left the chupa, everything changed. Small bites, bibs, knives, napkins, cups, no slurping and table etiquette. Every meal must have salad. We try to explain, "salad is not food. Salad comes with food. It's a promissory note that food will soon arrive!" Basically boring meals. [Have you ever tried gluten-free food? Trust me, it needs gluten! I have no idea what gluten is, but it really tastes good.]
Isn't it funny how fathers can open the freezer, take a spoon, eat some ice cream while the freezer door is still open, put the ice cream back, then take the vanilla-strawberry shmeared spoon and use it for his soup. Or drink soda from a two liter bottle, finger-pick the peanut butter or chumus or eat cold shnitzel; but if mom witnesses a child doing that, they're grounded till April.
Most guys in shuna rishona, after being forced to transform their bochur eating habits, quit or turn to alcohol. We were used to taking a tray the size of a man hole from the cashier to the table. Suddenly there's food limitations? Shadchunim never mention this stuff. They tell us boring things, like personality, character, midos, yichus, talents. Who cares about those trivial things?!
Meals now have a time and place. That's why by 'our' kinus we treat food as Shturai Kodem.
Anyway, this weekend is like a 'pop up' screen. You're navigating through your normal life-routines, then WHAM, we're bombarded with all this unwanted, mysterious chaos. Do I press 'cancel?' Must I reboot?
[Worldwide we spend billions of dollars on security, anti spam, virus control, spyware, cookie help etc - yet somehow they still figure out a way to get at us. It's not unlike the mailman. Every day that pepper-spray toting guy delivers hope and dread. There are hundreds, perhaps thousands of shluchim who wait each day by their mailboxes for that check that was committed under oath. But in order to get to the envelope pile, one must first go through circulars, coupons, detergent samples, flyers, charoses, (lizards and palmettos - in Florida), and finally with bated breath, from the back, we see an envelope that has potential. Breathless and sweating we turn it around. It says, "Federal Government. $3000 fine if unopened!" With trepidation and KGB fear we open the thing. It turns out to be an Isuzu clearance sale.]
Today is the last day this week for the USDA required/recommended healthy meals. Tomorrow the kids and us celebrate. Big bowls, large plates, huge cups, gargantuan portions, and obscene desserts.
Now we ersht begin to understand where bubbies are coming from. It's forty years of pent up tshuvah.
Ess tatileh
If you enjoyed this article (or even if you didn't) please donate @ www.theshluchimfund.com
Parshas Ki Sikneh Eved
For all us folks who live in countries where we drive on the normal side of the road and normal side of the car:
Did you ever drive in one of those very few countries where you're on the right side of the car and left side of the road? First of all, every time you go to the car you click the remote to unlock it, then you open the door, sit down and find yourself without a steering wheel in front of you. You look around to make sure no one saw. If anyone is around, you make believe you're rummaging through the glove compartment, and then nonchalantly get out of the car and proceed to the oddball steering-wheel-side of the car.
As you're driving you absolutely cannot be distracted by anything. Phone, radio, passenger chatter, food - nothing. You must remain nuclear-bomb-transporter focused on the road. It's mandatory that every cell and neuron in your brain remains completely glued to the road. Particularly when you have to turn. (Vayifen koi v'choi every 14 seconds.) Or parallel park.
That's how women drive every day.
Tomorrow and Thursday אי''ה about 800 cars will be rented and added to Crown Heights traffic. For safety concerns I'm staying put @ my Mokom HaShlichus.
As we gear up for the longest weekend of the year, it's crucial that we read up as much information as possible to prepare for the grueling, cruel, upcoming storm.
Did you ever notice the difference in travel habits between shluchim and shluchos. Men can travel thousands of miles for a month, and have only their talis/tfillin and a carry on bag. [How much luggage do you think chasidim took along when going to the Rebbe by horse and buggy? You think there was a luggage compartment under the wagon? Imagine if women went. Avis rent-a-horse would have been sold-out immediately. (Did they have the wagon-rental discounts hanging on the shtiebel bulletin board?) How about when men were oleh regel; does it mention anything about baggage claims in rishonim?]
Plane people know this. That's why they've begun charging for luggage. It's called the 'incase fee.' Take this just in case that happens. So for a two day journey they end up taking a container of you-just-never-know attire.
You know what the difference between a zoo in the North and South is? In the North they have a little stand with information on each particular animal. It's habitat, eating habits, prey or predator etc. In the South they have the same thing. But on bottom they include recipes.
That's what our kitchens will look like this Friday.
Before we got married, especially when away from home, we ate all kinds of food at any given hour. We would walk into a deli at 1am and order a burger. The guy would ask, "what would you like on it?" "Everything!" You responded. "Ketchup, mustard, pickles, tartar sauce, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, relish, mushrooms, sawdust, dressing, jalapenos; and a large basket of fries. And I'll have a shwarma to go. Are these falafel balls free?" And you'd stuff every pocket with mints and toothpicks on your way out.
Those days food was considered a good meal when you had to dislocate your jaw to take a bite. No mother, wife etc monitoring our eating habits. (Who do you think taught who to eat something 4 times its size? Udum the nuchush, or vice versa?)
[Be honest: when you take a bite of something really big, and at that moment your phone rings and it's a big bb, or someone you've been trying to reach for a while, what do you do?
....... You shove everything into one cheek and answer the phone trying to sound as natural as possible "Hewo? Oh Stebe thankth for cawim me bat, howth your mom feewig? Whap? No I'm (gulp)fide"....
Like when you're in middle of shmonei esrei and your biggest bb calls. Who wins? G-d or Verizon?]
Once we left the chupa, everything changed. Small bites, bibs, knives, napkins, cups, no slurping and table etiquette. Every meal must have salad. We try to explain, "salad is not food. Salad comes with food. It's a promissory note that food will soon arrive!" Basically boring meals. [Have you ever tried gluten-free food? Trust me, it needs gluten! I have no idea what gluten is, but it really tastes good.]
Isn't it funny how fathers can open the freezer, take a spoon, eat some ice cream while the freezer door is still open, put the ice cream back, then take the vanilla-strawberry shmeared spoon and use it for his soup. Or drink soda from a two liter bottle, finger-pick the peanut butter or chumus or eat cold shnitzel; but if mom witnesses a child doing that, they're grounded till April.
Most guys in shuna rishona, after being forced to transform their bochur eating habits, quit or turn to alcohol. We were used to taking a tray the size of a man hole from the cashier to the table. Suddenly there's food limitations? Shadchunim never mention this stuff. They tell us boring things, like personality, character, midos, yichus, talents. Who cares about those trivial things?!
Meals now have a time and place. That's why by 'our' kinus we treat food as Shturai Kodem.
Anyway, this weekend is like a 'pop up' screen. You're navigating through your normal life-routines, then WHAM, we're bombarded with all this unwanted, mysterious chaos. Do I press 'cancel?' Must I reboot?
[Worldwide we spend billions of dollars on security, anti spam, virus control, spyware, cookie help etc - yet somehow they still figure out a way to get at us. It's not unlike the mailman. Every day that pepper-spray toting guy delivers hope and dread. There are hundreds, perhaps thousands of shluchim who wait each day by their mailboxes for that check that was committed under oath. But in order to get to the envelope pile, one must first go through circulars, coupons, detergent samples, flyers, charoses, (lizards and palmettos - in Florida), and finally with bated breath, from the back, we see an envelope that has potential. Breathless and sweating we turn it around. It says, "Federal Government. $3000 fine if unopened!" With trepidation and KGB fear we open the thing. It turns out to be an Isuzu clearance sale.]
Today is the last day this week for the USDA required/recommended healthy meals. Tomorrow the kids and us celebrate. Big bowls, large plates, huge cups, gargantuan portions, and obscene desserts.
Now we ersht begin to understand where bubbies are coming from. It's forty years of pent up tshuvah.
Ess tatileh
If you enjoyed this article (or even if you didn't) please donate @ www.theshluchimfund.com
Last updated:
Tuesday, Feb 14 2012 9:01pm
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